One of the things I have learned about friends and in fact all relationships that you nurture - is that relationships play a large part in determining how successful you are going to be. For that reason I say to you, if you are not getting the following elements in your interaction with friends, then you are not optimising your life. If this is the case I wou;d suggest you can do the following:
1. Enlist your friends in a life challenge - They might not be as courageous as you so try to restrict yourself to one task or aspect of reality at a time.
2. Sacrifice your less meaningful relationships and focus your attention on those relationships that give you the most challenge
3. Drop all friendships if you have a habit of being a door-mat, a pleaser or shy in the company of existing friends. I think a great many people stay in relationships which are less than satisfactory because they don't think they can find any better. I was shy when I was 20yo, and had never had any great friendships, that is with people I could relate to. I often stayed in them despite being the object of mocking. It wasn't until I made a conscious decision to leave those friends and forge my own friendships that I developed successively better ones. With each step I raised the realm of possibilities. In the last 7 years I can say that I have contributed to the betterment of my partners as well, and that is reflected in the sustained relationship I had with them. In the previous relationships I just didnt know myself as well.
Before you can embrace challenge as a relationship goal, you must ensure that you are already enlisted, otherwise you will appear as a hypocrite. That is not a bad thing per se - its a growth opportunity. When someone calls you a hypocrite for reproaching them, you can concede or argue the point. Hopefully reason will prevail - if it doesnt then both parties will diminish their relationship. There will be an opportunity cost. Conflict is only a threat to those that dont respect the facts of reality, those that are unwilling to acknowledge what is.
So what can you expect in a legitimate relationship:
1. Respect based on a broad appreciation of your value - this breeds trust
2. Safety based on shared experiences, which is a basis for shared vulnerability and honesty
3. Consideration of the other parties interests, on the basis that the relationship is of greater value than other value derived from it
4. Empathy based on a sound understanding of the the counterparty, requiring a willingness to listen and to understand their context. It does not mean blind aceptance or approval, but understanding.
5. Support to the extent that people share goals or embracr each others interests. I have recognised that some people are very closed in terms of defining their shared interests, whilst others mesh all facets of their lives. Women tend to be the later, men generally more restrictive. I think this to some extent accounts for the greater dynamic in women's conversations.
You might expect character values in your relationships but I want to discuss these aspects separately since I believe they form the basis for relationships based on constructive & destructive relationships, whether manipulative, deceptive or abusive.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com
1. Enlist your friends in a life challenge - They might not be as courageous as you so try to restrict yourself to one task or aspect of reality at a time.
2. Sacrifice your less meaningful relationships and focus your attention on those relationships that give you the most challenge
3. Drop all friendships if you have a habit of being a door-mat, a pleaser or shy in the company of existing friends. I think a great many people stay in relationships which are less than satisfactory because they don't think they can find any better. I was shy when I was 20yo, and had never had any great friendships, that is with people I could relate to. I often stayed in them despite being the object of mocking. It wasn't until I made a conscious decision to leave those friends and forge my own friendships that I developed successively better ones. With each step I raised the realm of possibilities. In the last 7 years I can say that I have contributed to the betterment of my partners as well, and that is reflected in the sustained relationship I had with them. In the previous relationships I just didnt know myself as well.
Before you can embrace challenge as a relationship goal, you must ensure that you are already enlisted, otherwise you will appear as a hypocrite. That is not a bad thing per se - its a growth opportunity. When someone calls you a hypocrite for reproaching them, you can concede or argue the point. Hopefully reason will prevail - if it doesnt then both parties will diminish their relationship. There will be an opportunity cost. Conflict is only a threat to those that dont respect the facts of reality, those that are unwilling to acknowledge what is.
So what can you expect in a legitimate relationship:
1. Respect based on a broad appreciation of your value - this breeds trust
2. Safety based on shared experiences, which is a basis for shared vulnerability and honesty
3. Consideration of the other parties interests, on the basis that the relationship is of greater value than other value derived from it
4. Empathy based on a sound understanding of the the counterparty, requiring a willingness to listen and to understand their context. It does not mean blind aceptance or approval, but understanding.
5. Support to the extent that people share goals or embracr each others interests. I have recognised that some people are very closed in terms of defining their shared interests, whilst others mesh all facets of their lives. Women tend to be the later, men generally more restrictive. I think this to some extent accounts for the greater dynamic in women's conversations.
You might expect character values in your relationships but I want to discuss these aspects separately since I believe they form the basis for relationships based on constructive & destructive relationships, whether manipulative, deceptive or abusive.
-------------------------------------------------
Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com
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