Finding friends

The opportunities to find friends have never been greater than now. Every day there seems to be a new social networking website to explore. But there is a world of difference between a 'internet friend' and a 'real world' friend. I am not saying there is no substance to an internet friendship, its just that they are not tested over the internet. There are several problems with internet friendships:
1. The counterparty can control the perception you have of them
2. You dont see the annoying habits of the counterparty
3. The confidence of the counterparty might be bouyed by their online popularity, but does it translate into real world friendships.

I dont wish to portay the internet as a 'superficial' medium for finding friends, but I suggest its utility depends on you and your counterparty. If you talk 'fluff' you are likely to attract 'fluff'. If you talk about inspirational, goal-orientated topics, you might meet that type of person. But you still need to consider - Are they travelling at the same speed as you, are they as capable as you, and thus can you ultimately respect them.

There are certain things that I ultimately want to do when I am trying to make friends:
1. I want to describe myself with the greatest possible detail, so they 'get me'. I will be candid to ensure I carry credibility. You can get ideas about the type of things you should say by looking at other people's profiles.
2. I want to connect with people on the basis of shared experience or interests
3. I want to connect with goal-orientated people. It not good enough that people want to describe themselves. What is the point if they have no interest in connecting. Alas, a great many people are not so aspirational. Its not just about having friends. Anyone can have friends, you just have to lower your standards. Its about tossing old friends when you acquire new ones. This is not a betrayal of old friends. It was never supposed to be a prison sentence. You are dropping them because you found more meaningful, more rewarding relationships. This usually occurs because one friend is growing at a faster rate than another. One person is challenging themselves to a greater extent than another.

If you want to get the best possible friends I think you need to master the art of self-promotion. This is not about putting on airs of superiority, of pretending that your life is perfect. Its about being authentic, so people appreciate you for whom you are. They dont need to think you are perfect, they need to be able to relate to you because of shared experiences or values. The extent to which you are the same or complement each others goals is the extent to which you will find value in each others being.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com

What should you expect from friendships

One of the things I have learned about friends and in fact all relationships that you nurture - is that relationships play a large part in determining how successful you are going to be. For that reason I say to you, if you are not getting the following elements in your interaction with friends, then you are not optimising your life. If this is the case I wou;d suggest you can do the following:
1. Enlist your friends in a life challenge - They might not be as courageous as you so try to restrict yourself to one task or aspect of reality at a time.
2. Sacrifice your less meaningful relationships and focus your attention on those relationships that give you the most challenge
3. Drop all friendships if you have a habit of being a door-mat, a pleaser or shy in the company of existing friends. I think a great many people stay in relationships which are less than satisfactory because they don't think they can find any better. I was shy when I was 20yo, and had never had any great friendships, that is with people I could relate to. I often stayed in them despite being the object of mocking. It wasn't until I made a conscious decision to leave those friends and forge my own friendships that I developed successively better ones. With each step I raised the realm of possibilities. In the last 7 years I can say that I have contributed to the betterment of my partners as well, and that is reflected in the sustained relationship I had with them. In the previous relationships I just didnt know myself as well.

Before you can embrace challenge as a relationship goal, you must ensure that you are already enlisted, otherwise you will appear as a hypocrite. That is not a bad thing per se - its a growth opportunity. When someone calls you a hypocrite for reproaching them, you can concede or argue the point. Hopefully reason will prevail - if it doesnt then both parties will diminish their relationship. There will be an opportunity cost. Conflict is only a threat to those that dont respect the facts of reality, those that are unwilling to acknowledge what is.

So what can you expect in a legitimate relationship:
1. Respect based on a broad appreciation of your value - this breeds trust
2. Safety based on shared experiences, which is a basis for shared vulnerability and honesty
3. Consideration of the other parties interests, on the basis that the relationship is of greater value than other value derived from it
4. Empathy based on a sound understanding of the the counterparty, requiring a willingness to listen and to understand their context. It does not mean blind aceptance or approval, but understanding.
5. Support to the extent that people share goals or embracr each others interests. I have recognised that some people are very closed in terms of defining their shared interests, whilst others mesh all facets of their lives. Women tend to be the later, men generally more restrictive. I think this to some extent accounts for the greater dynamic in women's conversations.

You might expect character values in your relationships but I want to discuss these aspects separately since I believe they form the basis for relationships based on constructive & destructive relationships, whether manipulative, deceptive or abusive.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com