A shy guy's guide to relationships

I was a very shy kid growing up. I would not say I lacked self esteem. On the contrary, I had a strong sense of personal worth, but I lacked any external support. My parents were less than supportive, employers lacked any interest, and I had trouble making friends. The problem being a kid is that you dont know 'why' people dont apppreciate you. So as an adult you end up dealing with a lot of baggage. The issues that I came to realise:
1. My parents didn't know how to provide support because they didn't have a clue how to be parents because of the poor role models that their parents were.
2. I think I was not much fun as a prospective child friend because I didn't express myself. I really needed to take some risks.
3. I think I was very self righteous, externalising responsibility for my plight, I put up walls, I had an idea of the type of friends who would suit me (the popular ones), as opposed to the ones that shared my interests. I wasted a lot of time trying to be one of the cool kids, condemning myself to being a 'wannabe'.
4. I never really developed any strategy for finding friends, in fact I was doing everything wrong if I hoped to make friends. eg. I would focus on work at work (saying to myself it was unethical to socialise at work), I would not talk to people (telling myself I didn't like small talk, when in fact I preferred goal-orientated action). Years later I would become increasingly frustrated with employers, that I resolved to become independent. I became a trader, which meant that 96% of the population could not relate with me, 99% couldn't meet me. If you look at my range of sporting pursuits, they too are pretty anti-social.

Notwithstanding that, I was courageous enough to talk to a Japanese girl in Sydney, and enter into a relationship with her. I found this relationship incredibly interesting. Apart from being the first one, the nature was very different from experiences with Australian girls. I resolved to focus on meeting Asian girls, and Japanese girls in particular. Needing validation, I of course focused on sexual conquest like a great many other men, though thats not without trying to develop an intellectual relationship. The implication was that - I got my validation - but eventually I would outgrow these women. Why? I realised that most Japanese girls are nesters, all too willing to please, but not willing to grow. That of course is a result of their penchant for collectivism.

The biggest change to the quality of my relationships occurred when I realised exactly the type of women I wanted, and found her. But more important than that was firstly recognising my own nature, understanding myself. Growing up I had focused on understanding others, that I had over-invested in others. Now it was about me....but in a way that was empathetic. I resolved to not disengage from relationships, and not downgrade a relationship without giving the person the opportunity to grow. In the process I was building my own capacity to relate, as I had previously learnt a great deal about quitting. Starting over again could be exciting but it was always AGAIN, planning but never quite implementing. It seemed to be the boring stage, but really I just wasn't making a challenge out of what needed to be addressed.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com

Social Networking forums

Now more than ever we are being offered opportunities for social networking. There are all types of web-based social networking databases you can consider. Some of them are global in reach, whilst others might be local. Regardless consider the following:
1. Fitness Singles – see www.FitnessSingles.com – this is a new one, which allows you to describe yourself and search for people interested in the same activities as you.
2. GetALife – see www.getalife.com.au – this one is targeted at Australians. It has about 35,000 members.
3. TokyoTraders – This is a social group that involves traders in Tokyo. They have a good party in Roppongi several times a year. See www.tokyotraders.com.
4. YouTube – This is a good website for posting your video imagery. If you had never thought to produce video imagery, you might look at the new range of digital cameras. Many of them are equipped with a video recording option. They have much better pixel density and sound now, and some have umlimited recording capability, unlike my original Sony P1 digital camera. See www.youtube.com
5. MySpace – This is another popular social networking site, though I think its not as good as Facebook or YouTube in the social networking stakes. See www.myspace.com.
6. Facebook – This I think is currently the leader in the social networking area, though I’m sure it will be outdone in the years to come. See www.facebook.com.
7. RSVP - There are other sites which you have to pay for like www.rsvp.com, though I guess these will start to look market share, or otherwise they will be forced to offer revenue models based on advertising, or activities (like GetALife).
8. Friendster – This is a popular site as well suited for social networking. See www.friendster.com.

Building family networks

Recently someone sent me an invitation to the following website that lets you display your family tree online family tree - see www.tribaljunction.com/login.php. The applet was a little difficult to use, and the concept is a little rough around the edges. But the idea of connecting with family will appeal to many, though I cant help thinking the idea of connecting with family is becoming a little dated when we now have the opportunity to connect with people who share our interests as opposed to people who share our gene pool. Though much will depend on how nurturing your family network has been, or has the potential to be.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com

What should you expect from friendships

One of the things I have learned about friends and in fact all relationships that you nurture - is that relationships play a large part in determining how successful you are going to be. For that reason I say to you, if you are not getting the following elements in your interaction with friends, then you are not optimising your life. If this is the case I wou;d suggest you can do the following:
1. Enlist your friends in a life challenge - They might not be as courageous as you so try to restrict yourself to one task or aspect of reality at a time.
2. Sacrifice your less meaningful relationships and focus your attention on those relationships that give you the most challenge
3. Drop all friendships if you have a habit of being a door-mat, a pleaser or shy in the company of existing friends. I think a great many people stay in relationships which are less than satisfactory because they don't think they can find any better. I was shy when I was 20yo, and had never had any great friendships, that is with people I could relate to. I often stayed in them despite being the object of mocking. It wasn't until I made a conscious decision to leave those friends and forge my own friendships that I developed successively better ones. With each step I raised the realm of possibilities. In the last 7 years I can say that I have contributed to the betterment of my partners as well, and that is reflected in the sustained relationship I had with them. In the previous relationships I just didnt know myself as well.

Before you can embrace challenge as a relationship goal, you must ensure that you are already enlisted, otherwise you will appear as a hypocrite. That is not a bad thing per se - its a growth opportunity. When someone calls you a hypocrite for reproaching them, you can concede or argue the point. Hopefully reason will prevail - if it doesnt then both parties will diminish their relationship. There will be an opportunity cost. Conflict is only a threat to those that dont respect the facts of reality, those that are unwilling to acknowledge what is.

So what can you expect in a legitimate relationship:
1. Respect based on a broad appreciation of your value - this breeds trust
2. Safety based on shared experiences, which is a basis for shared vulnerability and honesty
3. Consideration of the other parties interests, on the basis that the relationship is of greater value than other value derived from it
4. Empathy based on a sound understanding of the the counterparty, requiring a willingness to listen and to understand their context. It does not mean blind aceptance or approval, but understanding.
5. Support to the extent that people share goals or embracr each others interests. I have recognised that some people are very closed in terms of defining their shared interests, whilst others mesh all facets of their lives. Women tend to be the later, men generally more restrictive. I think this to some extent accounts for the greater dynamic in women's conversations.

You might expect character values in your relationships but I want to discuss these aspects separately since I believe they form the basis for relationships based on constructive & destructive relationships, whether manipulative, deceptive or abusive.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com

Should you get a pet?

When I was a child I had 3 pet dogs. Being one of three boys, we teased these dogs to the point that they would often find a way to get out of our fenced compound and follow my scent to school. One of the dogs bit a postman and was put down. The was a cute boxer with his tongue sticking out. I guess he didn't expect him to bite his ankle. One of our two labradors was hit by a car, the other was put down because it kept getting out of our compound and coming to my school.

I loved my family pets, even if we mistreated them by teasing them. We would get under a blanket and maul each other. This would get them, to the point of biting, at which point we would hit them for biting. Maybe we deserved it if we incited their animal instincts. Not sure otherwise why they were like that.

After the age of 14yo I no longer had any pets. I think once I started learning philosophy and developing human relationships, I lost interest in pets. Why have a relationship with a pet when you can have a relationship with a human being. If you can have a loving relationship with a pet, can you not have a greater relationship with a human. Some will say there is nothing preventing a person from having a relationship with both humans and a pet(s), but the law of discrimination means that you are either interacting with a pet or a human. You might share a love of pets with another person, but you can really only relate to one at a time. Just try talking in 2 languages at the same time. Distracting right?
Some might make the argument that pets (and I mean dogs) fill a vacuum left when their partner is out at work. This argument has some plausibility, but it makes me ask why this 'home-stay' partner has spare time to engage in a secondary relationship. Why are they not out working as well. Well I guess if they have a child then they might have a more satisfying relationship with a child. Nope, I dont have a child, but I know that children will from the age of 3 years old exceed the intellectual capacity of a child.
Why then do people buy pets? I think its because they have low self esteem. Pets do not pronounce judgement, they do not usurp one's authority, though they may question (bark) it. Dogs are pleasers and always looking for attention. They are there when you want them. The question is - Should a person want them? Shouldn't one challenge those insecurities, seek out better human relationships, if one's experiences have been so bad that you feel threatened by others. Maybe if people are threatened by others opinions, maybe its because you actually know you are wrong but want to evade the knowledge.
So why get a pet? I can think of no good reasons except security, but I can think of a great many problems that relate to pet ownership. Consider the following:
1. They cost money - your partner has productive capacity, most pets do not
2. They require attention, washing, playing, feeding, caring, whether you like it or not
3. You can't just take pets anywhere, eg. restaurants, beach, dates, etc
4. Pets can be loud, barking all the time.
OK they can offer security if that is required, but then a great many pets (including dogs) dont even do that. If it was just about placing some food in a fish bowl, no problem. But why the bother when there is so much more to be had from having a human relationship.
A child has a number of the say drawbacks but the long term benefits are so much greater. Its a 4 year period of bed wetting compared to 12 years of subserviance from a dog that knows you are better than him. Why don't pet owners see it?

Relating with any living thing provides a value, a form of nourishment. We rejoice in the idea of being surrounded by living things, whether green plants, flowers, pets and humans. The question is why we would engage in any relationship which has less capacity to satisfy us when there is better relationships to be had? I am not precluding pet ownership as a legitimate activity, just questioning the 'primacy' that some people give it. Some people invest more consideration in their pets than their children. Why? Because kids talk back. The reality is that adult relationships demand more of people, and rather than stepping up to the challenge, I dare say some pet owners are avoiding a critical responsibility. I believe a great many parents get pets to distract kids, to give them something to do, so they are less of a burden on them. I believe a great many parents send their children to private school so that they will be less of a burden on them.
I am not attacking the love or value of a relationship with animals - I am reflecting on the lost consideration of children, who have the potential for a great deal more love than a pet. Notwithstanding that, you will like this video. Love you animals, but appreciate your human relationships more because they have much greater potential to make you happy. This means learn to love yourself more such that incidentals are not elevated out of proportion.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com

How do you know when you have Mr Right

The other way to pose this question is - How do you know when to settle with a partner? The answer to this question will partially reflect the issues I have drawn upon in the previous posting.
1. Diminishing returns: Otherwise stated - you need to ensure you have had adequate life and in particular intimate relationship experience. If you are on a growth part, then each relationship should be demanding a different part of you, and when you sense a diminishing sense of 'discovery' in new relationships, its fair to say that you are ready to settle.
2. Financial preparedness: I personally dont see the need for getting married unless there is a financial incentive like a tax rebate. Its a person issue but I'm not interested in a government sanction of my relationships, though I would be more inclined to get married if I had children. If 'settling' means having children, then you would need to give some thought to adequate finances to raise children.
3. Growth attributes: There is no question in my mind that life entails growth in every facet of life, and our relationships are no exception. It is therefore important that your partner embraces growth as you do. I also dont think to safe people is a stable relationship because one is bound to seek 'growth' lest they become bored. The question is likely to become 'constructive growth' (self improvement) or 'destructive' partner deception (extra-marital affairs).
4. Compatibility test: There needs to be a great many fundamental attributes upon which you agree. I have found that character attributes are the most important, and people that give primacy to how a person smells are really adopting the philosophy of a mindless primate with exponentially fewer neuron connections. If you agree on the fundamentals, of which a respect for objectivity needs to be among them, I believe you can debate or resolve the rest to a point of satisfaction and mutual respect. Over time you can establish confidence in the relationship by establishing a good track record of resolving differences. Sadly alot of partners evade discussion such important issues. Clearly poor communication skills are an obstacle to reconciling your values to establish your compatibility.
5. Complementary test: There are also those ways in which you are different, though I would argue those differences need to be points of respect, not points of division. For example, my GF impresses me with her ability to execute, for me its my capacity to think. We complement each other in that respect, so itsa a point of mutual respect.
6. People Awareness: You need to know yourself and people well enough to make informed judgements about people. I have met people who have a totally misguided understanding of other people. eg. A person helps another person. They interpret it as altruism, I see a selfish motive. Nothing wrong with selfish if its honest and transparent, but in this case there was evidence of manipulation.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com

How do you find Mr or Mrs Right

Reading a blog on JapanForum.com a girl was asking "How do you know when you have found Mr Right". This is a question that most people go through. But I want to pose another question first - "How do you find the right partner" - whether boyfriend or girlfriend.
I think there are 4 great obstacles to finding Mr or Ms Right (or Mrs for the really hard up). These obstacles are:
1. Rash judgements: Quick judgements by people can be a problem for people who are inclined to lack self-esteem because they need the relationship more than they actually identify with the person. That is a problem because they are not going to be respected by anyone healthy, and they are likely to be abused or under-challenged by anyone unhealthy. Mind you - they can be opportunities for learning. People also make rash judgements in the sense that there standards are too high, or more correctly their perspective is too narrow. Its true that you can make legitimate quick decisions about a person because they possess a fundamental character flaw, but generally there is no reason for such rashness. There is a context in which certain behaviour you might observe is understandable or appropriate. The reality is that no one is deeply hurt by making rash judgements unless they display a deep-seated tendency for doing so. The reasons they might do that are: (i) they rationalise that they have high standards, (ii) they are so insecure that they need to put others down to elevate themselves or (iii) They might have very narrow concepts of whom they might want to associate, and often these are materialistic drives.
2. Lack of self awareness: People dont know themselves have little ability to sell themselves in any way that would draw the interest of others. The implication of not knowing your value is that you dont feel special and you dont carry your head high. The greatest obstacle to self awareness is a lack of support from family, friends or teachers. Such encouragement can be a powerful motivator in directing people towards goals if it has any sense of reality. Not feeling special makes people feel that they can't differentiate themselves in the 'relationship market', in which case they will come to see themselves as 'common', and this will affect their partner choices. They are inclined to become a 'price taker' and then once in a relationship they are inclined to suddenly develop 'standards of value, after a period of tolerance or curiosity, then they are inclined to dump the partner in favour of a more promising prospect.
3. Lack of a strategy: You might ask whether meeting people has to be so contrived that you need to have a strategy. Well, you dont want to meet just anyone. If you suffer from any of the latter issues, you might be inclined to settle for too little in partners. Having a strategy helps you target 'your type of people'. It need not prevent you from seeking relationships elsewhere, or in fact acting without regard for a partner. Your strategy need not be complex, but I would suggest the 'originality' might in fact differentiate you from others. But then again dont be weird!
4. Lack of objectivity: I have found that a great many people have a high sense of vulnerability or hype-sensitivity to value judgements or criticism, and thus feel inclined to reject the messager. The problem with doing this is that it can demonstrate no sense of (objective) reality, and it invalidates the person making the criticism. Critical thinking is erroneously regarded as vindicative, when in fact its just honest observation. People should be validated for making it, and the targets of it should be willing to accept that they are not perfect, and be willing to engage with people, to at least establish who is misguided. This is a fundamental philosophical flaw in relationships that leads to manipulation and stagnation in relationships. Relationships are not a static thing, you need to grow them or people lose interest or respect for the counter-party. Life is about growth. A relationship is based on 'preserving security' its destined to die, unless both partners embrace a 'living death'. The greatest obstacle to objectivity is a thought process that places others opinions above one's own judgement. People that do that tend not to filter input with any rational process. Instead its a fight-or-flight response.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com