I was a very shy kid growing up. I would not say I lacked self esteem. On the contrary, I had a strong sense of personal worth, but I lacked any external support. My parents were less than supportive, employers lacked any interest, and I had trouble making friends. The problem being a kid is that you dont know 'why' people dont apppreciate you. So as an adult you end up dealing with a lot of baggage. The issues that I came to realise:
1. My parents didn't know how to provide support because they didn't have a clue how to be parents because of the poor role models that their parents were.
2. I think I was not much fun as a prospective child friend because I didn't express myself. I really needed to take some risks.
3. I think I was very self righteous, externalising responsibility for my plight, I put up walls, I had an idea of the type of friends who would suit me (the popular ones), as opposed to the ones that shared my interests. I wasted a lot of time trying to be one of the cool kids, condemning myself to being a 'wannabe'.
4. I never really developed any strategy for finding friends, in fact I was doing everything wrong if I hoped to make friends. eg. I would focus on work at work (saying to myself it was unethical to socialise at work), I would not talk to people (telling myself I didn't like small talk, when in fact I preferred goal-orientated action). Years later I would become increasingly frustrated with employers, that I resolved to become independent. I became a trader, which meant that 96% of the population could not relate with me, 99% couldn't meet me. If you look at my range of sporting pursuits, they too are pretty anti-social.
Notwithstanding that, I was courageous enough to talk to a Japanese girl in Sydney, and enter into a relationship with her. I found this relationship incredibly interesting. Apart from being the first one, the nature was very different from experiences with Australian girls. I resolved to focus on meeting Asian girls, and Japanese girls in particular. Needing validation, I of course focused on sexual conquest like a great many other men, though thats not without trying to develop an intellectual relationship. The implication was that - I got my validation - but eventually I would outgrow these women. Why? I realised that most Japanese girls are nesters, all too willing to please, but not willing to grow. That of course is a result of their penchant for collectivism.
The biggest change to the quality of my relationships occurred when I realised exactly the type of women I wanted, and found her. But more important than that was firstly recognising my own nature, understanding myself. Growing up I had focused on understanding others, that I had over-invested in others. Now it was about me....but in a way that was empathetic. I resolved to not disengage from relationships, and not downgrade a relationship without giving the person the opportunity to grow. In the process I was building my own capacity to relate, as I had previously learnt a great deal about quitting. Starting over again could be exciting but it was always AGAIN, planning but never quite implementing. It seemed to be the boring stage, but really I just wasn't making a challenge out of what needed to be addressed.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com
1. My parents didn't know how to provide support because they didn't have a clue how to be parents because of the poor role models that their parents were.
2. I think I was not much fun as a prospective child friend because I didn't express myself. I really needed to take some risks.
3. I think I was very self righteous, externalising responsibility for my plight, I put up walls, I had an idea of the type of friends who would suit me (the popular ones), as opposed to the ones that shared my interests. I wasted a lot of time trying to be one of the cool kids, condemning myself to being a 'wannabe'.
4. I never really developed any strategy for finding friends, in fact I was doing everything wrong if I hoped to make friends. eg. I would focus on work at work (saying to myself it was unethical to socialise at work), I would not talk to people (telling myself I didn't like small talk, when in fact I preferred goal-orientated action). Years later I would become increasingly frustrated with employers, that I resolved to become independent. I became a trader, which meant that 96% of the population could not relate with me, 99% couldn't meet me. If you look at my range of sporting pursuits, they too are pretty anti-social.
Notwithstanding that, I was courageous enough to talk to a Japanese girl in Sydney, and enter into a relationship with her. I found this relationship incredibly interesting. Apart from being the first one, the nature was very different from experiences with Australian girls. I resolved to focus on meeting Asian girls, and Japanese girls in particular. Needing validation, I of course focused on sexual conquest like a great many other men, though thats not without trying to develop an intellectual relationship. The implication was that - I got my validation - but eventually I would outgrow these women. Why? I realised that most Japanese girls are nesters, all too willing to please, but not willing to grow. That of course is a result of their penchant for collectivism.
The biggest change to the quality of my relationships occurred when I realised exactly the type of women I wanted, and found her. But more important than that was firstly recognising my own nature, understanding myself. Growing up I had focused on understanding others, that I had over-invested in others. Now it was about me....but in a way that was empathetic. I resolved to not disengage from relationships, and not downgrade a relationship without giving the person the opportunity to grow. In the process I was building my own capacity to relate, as I had previously learnt a great deal about quitting. Starting over again could be exciting but it was always AGAIN, planning but never quite implementing. It seemed to be the boring stage, but really I just wasn't making a challenge out of what needed to be addressed.
-----------------------------------------------
Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com
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