Its interesting how people have this tendency to sabotage their relationships in some desperate attempt to preserve the relationship. They end up sabotaging their goal because of their sense of vulnerability. I can think of a number of instances in which this can occur. Consider the following:
1. Friends: People have multiple interests in people. Life demands that one expands one's relationships, and the nature of those relationships ranges from exclusive romantic relationships to more peripheral goal-orientated relationships. All too often romantic partners can attempt to constrain or sabotage their partner's goals by placing resistance in front of their partner. Paradoxically, they are trying to retain control over their partner, but in fact all they are doing is undermining their value. By sabotaging others, they are merely raising others relative to themselves.
2. Partners: Its common for people to provide judgements on their friends, children or siblings partners. The problem with these judgements is that they are often not likely to achieve their goal, moreover they are often delivered in a way which achieves the exact opposite. The problem is that their judgement is premature; they are not adding new information, or they are ignoring the context. I am reminded of a person who judged their sibling's partner because she was materialistic and pretentious, yet her sibling was the same. He was incredibly insecure. In her case, she was more ambitious. Flawed relationship like these are destined to fall apart, but not if the intent of the interested party attacks the partner who serves as a source of value. In so doing the sibling is undermining confidence in her sibling, inevitably forcing them into their hands.
There are of course numerous ways to deliver your opinion, but there are better ways than others. The better ways are:
1. Anticipate problems: If it is their first relationship, talk about the importance about maintaining some perspective. This is best conveyed through related personal experiences as it shows a shared vulnerability, and a capacity to learn and grow beyond a problem, as well as a capacity to express that vulnerability.
2. Explain human nature: Help them to understand how people act. This is best done before the fact. You want to convey the nature of healthy and unlhealthy people so they see the contrast, and so you don't convey any disposition to tragic outcomes. This ensures you appear objective.
3. Help them to think: People have a self-righteous tendency to impose their opinion on others. Its more effective to give them the tools to think for themselves, so they feel empowered.
If you are openly, readily and resolutely critical of people, you tend to corner them into making the decision which you intended to avoid. If you hoped to dissolve their relationship, instead they will marginalise you and any army you have established to convince them. People don't like to think less of themselves, nor to be ambushed. Of course, in a perfect world, people would be perfectly objective. Whilst that is a desirable outcome, in the meantime, you have to work with a great deal of strategic or diplomatic skill. This is a hard task. It requires a great deal of understanding of human nature, one's own motivations, not to mention a great deal of empathy.
These people often learn, but by imposing your views, they are more likely to realise that much later. It might take a failed marriage before they realise. Even then they might deny the reality of your criticism even after you have been proven right. There is a tendency to shoot the messenger. Such is the nature of retained, persistent, subjective realities.
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Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com
1. Friends: People have multiple interests in people. Life demands that one expands one's relationships, and the nature of those relationships ranges from exclusive romantic relationships to more peripheral goal-orientated relationships. All too often romantic partners can attempt to constrain or sabotage their partner's goals by placing resistance in front of their partner. Paradoxically, they are trying to retain control over their partner, but in fact all they are doing is undermining their value. By sabotaging others, they are merely raising others relative to themselves.
2. Partners: Its common for people to provide judgements on their friends, children or siblings partners. The problem with these judgements is that they are often not likely to achieve their goal, moreover they are often delivered in a way which achieves the exact opposite. The problem is that their judgement is premature; they are not adding new information, or they are ignoring the context. I am reminded of a person who judged their sibling's partner because she was materialistic and pretentious, yet her sibling was the same. He was incredibly insecure. In her case, she was more ambitious. Flawed relationship like these are destined to fall apart, but not if the intent of the interested party attacks the partner who serves as a source of value. In so doing the sibling is undermining confidence in her sibling, inevitably forcing them into their hands.
There are of course numerous ways to deliver your opinion, but there are better ways than others. The better ways are:
1. Anticipate problems: If it is their first relationship, talk about the importance about maintaining some perspective. This is best conveyed through related personal experiences as it shows a shared vulnerability, and a capacity to learn and grow beyond a problem, as well as a capacity to express that vulnerability.
2. Explain human nature: Help them to understand how people act. This is best done before the fact. You want to convey the nature of healthy and unlhealthy people so they see the contrast, and so you don't convey any disposition to tragic outcomes. This ensures you appear objective.
3. Help them to think: People have a self-righteous tendency to impose their opinion on others. Its more effective to give them the tools to think for themselves, so they feel empowered.
If you are openly, readily and resolutely critical of people, you tend to corner them into making the decision which you intended to avoid. If you hoped to dissolve their relationship, instead they will marginalise you and any army you have established to convince them. People don't like to think less of themselves, nor to be ambushed. Of course, in a perfect world, people would be perfectly objective. Whilst that is a desirable outcome, in the meantime, you have to work with a great deal of strategic or diplomatic skill. This is a hard task. It requires a great deal of understanding of human nature, one's own motivations, not to mention a great deal of empathy.
These people often learn, but by imposing your views, they are more likely to realise that much later. It might take a failed marriage before they realise. Even then they might deny the reality of your criticism even after you have been proven right. There is a tendency to shoot the messenger. Such is the nature of retained, persistent, subjective realities.
----------------------------------------------
Andrew Sheldon www.sheldonthinks.com
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